Rethinking Connection , Reframing Communication: How Neurodiverse and Neurotypical People Connect
Something that gets talked about a lot is social and communication differences in neurodivergence.
As a clinical psychologist, I have a special interest in neurodiversity. I often help people manage complex social and communication challenges influenced by their unique ways of thinking and processing: their unique neurocognitive profiles.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR), the primary reference psychologists and psychiatrists for diagnostic criteria, describes “deficits in communication” as a core feature of autism. And it continues to classify Autism as a “Spectrum Disorder.” But here’s the thing: these labels reflect a narrative shaped by an outdated worldview – one that sees differences as deficits. The DSM, a widely used tool, is unfortunately not a shining example of neuroaffirming language. Language matters.
In reality, the idea of “communication disorder” reflects a belief system rooted in how we’ve been taught to think about behaviour. The language we choose shapes and informs the way we see the world – and each other. Coming back to communication, it’s obvious that differences in communication styles are not exclusive to autism. In fact, in clinical practice I find significant overlaps exist with ADHD and other neurodivergent profiles, which speaks to the need for a deeper, more nuanced understanding of how neurodivergent individuals interact with the world and with others.
Much like cultural differences in communication – where norms around eye contact, personal space, or conversational pacing can vary widely without us labelled other countries as disordered – neurodivergent communication styles reflect diverse ways of connecting and expressing. Appreciating these differences enriches our understanding and fosters greater inclusivity, challenging us to move beyond rigid expectations of “normal” communication.
In this article, I wanted to touch on how neurodivergence shapes social behaviours, why these differences can be misunderstood, and how embracing a broader view of communication can lead to greater connection and inclusion.
Task Focus vs. People Focus: A Different Style of Thinking
For me, a key difference in neurodivergent communication lies in a preference for “task focus” over “people focus.” For many neurodivergent individuals, interactions are most comfortable and rewarding when they serve a clear purpose. This can mean diving deeply into a shared interest, solving a problem, or collaborating on a meaningful project. In contrast, small talk – such as discussing the weather or asking about someone’s weekend – can feel inauthentic, draining, or even pointless.
For me personally, I often have to remind myself to say hello, ask how others are, and ask about what’s happening in their life. It’s a nice thing to do – but it would be easier sometimes if people just told me without waiting to be asked! I want to know, and I deeply care, but sometimes, my skills at remembering to ask are poor, especially if I’m in hyperfocus and thinking about a project.
I share this to make the point that neurodivergent individuals are not uninterested in others when they fail to ask. I love people! On the contrary, they are often just differently focused (on tasks). Many people express care and empathy differently, often through action or engaging in meaningful dialogue rather than conventional social rituals. Understanding this distinction can help reframe behaviours that might be misinterpreted as disinterest or aloofness.
Relating Through Shared Experiences
Another common difference is how neurodivergent people express empathy. I notice that many neurodivergent (ND) individuals connect by sharing relatable experiences from their own lives. For example, if someone shares they’ve had a challenging day, an ND person might respond by describing a similar experience they’ve had. This response is not about shifting the focus to themselves but about fostering connection through shared understanding.
Unfortunately, in neurotypical (NT) communication norms, this can sometimes be perceived as self-centred. NT individuals may prefer a listener to focus on their feelings or give an acknowledgment of their perspective without the reciprocal storytelling.
No one is in the wrong here: There isn’t one right way to communicate. Instead, bridging this cultural gap requires educating both sides: ND individuals on NT expectations, and NT individuals on the diverse ways empathy and connection can manifest. Good manners include flexibly using our communication skills, and people with good manners tend to be pleasant to be around. This helps build our social worlds.
The Energy Cost of Socialising
Social interactions often require significant energy from neurodivergent individuals. There tends to be differences in the way people with Autistic and ADHD, or AuDHD neurotypes cope socially. Many ND people, including ADHDers who can appear to be extroverted often feel shy, introverted, or even socially anxious, not because they dislike connection, but because certain types of social interactions can be overwhelming. This is especially true in environments with high sensory demands, unstructured expectations, or large groups.
However, when neurodivergent people find the right type of connection – often centred around shared passions or interest – they can thrive. A one-on-one conversation about a mutual hobby, a deep dive into a specialised topic, or a collaborative effort to solve a problem can be energising rather than depleting. Recognising this dynamic can help create more inclusive spaces for neurodivergent individuals to connect on their terms.
Energy Mismatches in the Workplace
The workplace often magnifies social and communication differences. For example, a neurodivergent colleague may forget to greet others in the morning or fail to ask about a recent holiday. This behaviour is not rooted in a lack of care but in a fundamental difference in communication priorities. ND individuals often prioritise efficiency and purpose, and small talk can feel unnecessary or even counterproductive.
Understanding these differences can help workplaces avoid misinterpreting ND colleagues as cold or disengaged. It also highlights the importance of creating environments where different communication styles are respected and valued. This might include offering alternatives to traditional networking events, encouraging direct and meaningful feedback, or normalising varying levels of social interaction.
A Path Toward Mutual Understanding
When we recognise that social and communication differences are not deficits but instead differences, variations of normal, we can begin to bridge the gap between neurodivergent and neurotypical perspectives. Key strategies for fostering understanding include:
- Educating on Neurodiversity: Equip workplaces, schools, and communities with the knowledge to recognise and value diverse communication styles.
- Emphasising Shared Purpose: Create opportunities for connection through shared interests and meaningful goals rather than enforcing one-size-fits-all social expectations.
- Reframing Empathy: Encourage a broader understanding of how care and connection are expressed across neurocognitive profiles, and embrace rather than reject unique traits.
Conclusion: Redefining Connection
Social and communication differences can be central to the neurodivergent experience, but they are often misunderstood, or seen as problematic when viewed through a neurotypical lens.
By appreciating the unique ways ND and NT individuals connect – whether through small talk, shared stories, purposeful dialogue, or deep conversations around mutual passions – we can all move toward a richer, more inclusive understanding of human connection.
